Before going on my mission trip everyone said coming home would be hard, some said it was the hardest part of the whole process. Of course I didn't understand this, I didn't see why coming home after two amazing weeks wouldn't just be a time to praise God for the amazing things we have back home. In fact I didn't see why going on a mission trip would be hard at all, I'd done if before.
But there was something completely different about doing a mission trip because it sounds cool, and going on a mission trip because you really want to share God's love with other people. My previous mission trip had been during a time in my life where I wasn't really sure if I was a Christian, I had a lot of anger in my heart for my family and God, and I didn't want to trust him with my life. But the whole process of this mission trip has been completely different, I realized it was something I was called to do in a time in my life where I felt closest to God. The time following my decision to go was extremely hard. I finally understood what people meant when talking about spiritual attacks. I was brought down to a place where I hadn't felt further to God in years and though I tried and tried there was this weight holding me down.
Nothing went right before the mission trip and I was convinced I wasn't going to go just a week before I was supposed to leave. I had decided that life was too hard and I couldn't do it. But somewhere in the midst of the decision I began to hear God again and realized that I had to do this. I won't go into the details of my trip just yet. But everything about my time working with CCP was breathtaking, life changing and completely indescribable. For me to sit here and tell you about it you wouldn't begin to understand it. It was amazing. The team bonded perfectly and we all loved the kids and the CCP Staff members.
When going in to this mission trip I never expected these goodbyes to be so extremely hard. You think that in two weeks you can't really make great relationships. But when you're stuck in a place with people for two weeks and all you can do is trust in them, rely on them and love them pretty soon you can't imagine life without them. Coming back to Africa felt like coming back home to me, there was a part of me that suddenly felt peace when I walked off the plane or as I walked through the villages, it was like this was exactly where I was supposed to be.
Though I didn't go home with my team, and though I am still in Kenya. This process has not been easy. I said goodbye to the kids I'd poured my heart out to, I said goodbye to the staff members I worked with and I said goodbye to my team members who I'd learned to trust, and to love. I feel like a piece of my heart has been ripped away, these were my people.
And now as I'm about to face Africa, what feels like completely alone, though before I'd been so excited I'm now faced with every possible emotion that is telling me not to go. Emotions that are telling me to get on that plane tomorrow, to run back home and go back to my comfortable life back home. But that's the thing, this trip is not about being comfortable and its not about it being easy. This trip is hard, and hurts but it is also so right, and rewarding.
And so every night, and every morning as I find myself feeling this unexpected sadness and loneliness, and having absolutely no one to rely on but God alone I have to find strength in reading Psalms 62 over and over.
My soul finds rest in God alone, my hope comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress and I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.